The Rod and the Staff

I'm up. It's officially 3:12 a.m. and I'm up. I got tired of just lying there pretending to sleep, so I decided to get up and write. Tonight my mind wasn't plagued by the racing thoughts that sometimes haunt me. It was annoyed by one line in a really beautiful song I was listening to earlier. I have a dear friend, a Secret Pal, in fact, who gives me different CDs with uplifting songs. One of these CDs has an incredible rendition of the 23rd Psalms. I'll have to find out the artist and post the name here, but I am unwilling, even though I'm up, to trod out to the carport in my underwear to retrieve the case right now.

But, the 23rd Psalms has always been one of my favorite verses. Probably, it is a lot of people's favorite since it is kind of famous and all that... I'm mean, it is a goodie for funeral choices. Recently, it was read at my dad's funeral. But, tonight, as I was lying there trying to sleep, that line, "Thy rod and thy staff... They comfort me..." And, ahh... I felt the peace that usually comes... A little spiritual connection... And, then I thought, "Wait a minute, why is God comforting me with a rod and a staff?" Why not a nice blanket? Why not wool or linen or feathers? Didn't they have soft, squishy things during Biblical times? Sure they did. Or how about a hug? My friend, Cora, gives the best, mushiest, 'I love you even though I'm not saying it' kind of hugs... But, God is choosing a rod and a staff to comfort me. Those are hard and stiff and very straight.

So, I got up and Googled "rod and staff". Well, I discovered that Rod and Staff is a publishing company for homeschooling materials, which was kind of interesting... But, then I stumbled upon all kinds of websites discussing the merits of beating children and defending it with Bible verses... Hmm... Still not what I was looking for exactly. Then, good ole Wikipedia came through. A Shepard's rod and staff is used to guide sheep to insure they don't wander into dangerous territory. That's kind of nice. God is keeping me in a safe place where he can look out for me. I like that idea.

Then I also discovered that the rod and the staff were considered to be a symbol of authority and sometimes to have great and miraculous powers. The Red Sea was parted by Moses' rod... He also brought water from a stone using his rod. These rod and staff miracles were during the time of the Plagues of Egypt. And, I knew about those miracles. I mean, I kind of have an embarrassingly little general knowledge of Biblical history that I remember from children's Sunday School, and thank you History Channel for the specials that sometimes enlighten me... Anyway, I also learned something new... Moses was creating his miracles during the Plague, but did you know that the whole Plague of Egypt started with a rod and staff miracle?

Evidently, Moses had a sidekick... Aaron. He and Aaron visited the Pharaoh to try and warn him. Well, the Pharaoh wanted some proof that Aaron and Moses were really trying to tell him something "Divine", so Aaron threw his stick down [clank and clatter] and it turned into a serpent! Holy Cow! (Oops... Is that blasphemy?) Well, the Pharaoh didn't want to be outdone so he ordered his Sorcerers to throw down their own rods, and yep... You guessed it. They turned into serpents too. But, Aaron's rod/serpent gobbled up all those other ones. This was supposed to be a warning sign, but the Pharaoh still didn't listen. The Bible says he was stubborn, but maybe he just didn't understand the sign... Maybe he is like me... Looking for signs, misunderstanding the signs, seeing signs, missing signs... It gets very confusing.

Anyway, later on, during the another plague, (which were very common in Biblical times, I'm guessing) Aaron's rod produces flowers, plants and ripe almonds. What happened to this rod? Some believe it was preserved in a Tabernacle for the Aaronic Priesthood, but the Jews believe it was used to slay the giant Goliath and was passed down through King of David's lineage.

Of course, this is all just Christy's version, and you can Google it yourself to read the real version because I'm sure my summary is missing some key elements. I have to break the Bible down into an almost kindergarten-like version because I find it confusing and sometimes even a little scary. In fact, there are many parts of it that I don't think children should be studying until they are much, much older... But, that's a topic for a different day.

For today, I would love to tell you that I am full of faith, but the truth is, I am plagued with fear. There's that word again... "Plague"... Maybe I do need a rod and a staff. I am overwhelmed with all that life has offered lately. I walk around feeling like someone turned me inside out, and I just want some kind soul to gently turn me right side out again like I sometimes have to do with the kid's shirts at school.

I worry for Dan. The other day, my doctor-friend (Yes, you'll be happy to hear I am under a physician's care) told me that I have to find a way to have some fun because this is my "new normal". And, still, I am struggling. I keep hoping that Dan will come home and somehow, through the miracle of consistent exercise and faithful treatments, her lung functions will improve. I watch her trying to gag down enough Pulmocare to help her gain weight. She struggles with the decision of whether or not to get a G-tube. I watch her... I help her lug oxygen tanks... And, I don't want this to be my new normal. I'm sad. And, I'm angry. I'm mad at Cystic Fibrosis, because dammit, we always tried to make a friendly place for you here in our lives and this is what you have done with our hospitality.

And, to make matters worse, Sar told me that she feels like I'm ignoring her. She feels like I am so preoccupied with Dan that she doesn't even exist for me. So, I need to do a better job with that because Sarah is my joy. She is the one who makes me laugh, and challenges me to think outside the box and always be one step ahead.

My girls, all three of them, have been such a tremendous blessing to me. I try to focus on that. I chose this life. I could have chosen a different path seventeen years ago, but the world wouldn't be nearly as colorful and alive without Danielle and Sarah. Micah may not even be here if I had taken a different road. And, I do believe that however floundering and child-like, I have always tried my best to seek God's will. That being said, maybe God is having to man that road with his rod and staff to keep me on the path, so he can look over me and be with me.

The Jews are a lot more specific about that rod. They believe it to be made of sapphire. It weighs about 10 lbs. and bears a Hebrew inscription that translates: "To the extent of God let these come to pass." I don't really know what that means, but I have always loved sapphire. In fact, when Dave designed my engagement ring, he designed it with a diamond in the middle and a sapphire on either side to represent both of the girls. He was marrying all of us. And, the idea of "let these come to pass" does give me comfort. Passing seems like enough.