Monday, September 03, 2007

Victoria's Secret is Nothing Compared to Mine

I have arrived at a new and exciting milestone in my life... This sensational event marks the passage of much time... The healing of old wounds... The anticipation of a new and glorious era... What, you ask, is this grand event?! The time has come for a mass purchase of new underwear and a purging of the old.

One might wonder why exactly this is a bloggable moment. I mean, it's not about state testing, or the war in Iraq or the girls' struggle with that friendly monster called CF... But, nonetheless, it's important to me.

First off, let me assure you that this purchase is fashionably and practically necessary. My favorites are exhibiting signs that life is indeed coming to a quick and speedy end. There are holes, stretched elastic and threads dangling everywhere. It is somewhat of a disgrace.

Perhaps I should begin by telling you about the last time a massive underwear purchase took place in my life. It was actually over ten years ago. Randy and I were divorcing, I had met Dave, and was planning a trip to Italy to visit him. So, I decided that I didn't want to be in possession of any underwear that Randy previously viewed. I felt I needed a clean slate with regard to who had seen my undergarments. I know it's a little crazy... And, I only share it now because enough time has passed to put a little distance between me and the nuttiness of that period in my life. Further, I no longer have this hang-up, and harbor no feelings of ill will towards my ex. Thus, I cordially invite him to rummage through the laundry at will when he visits. He can look at any underwear I possess....

I should also clarify that all of my underwear is NOT ten years old. (I'm sure Billy would give me a bunch of crap about that for a really long time.) I have purchased new panties and bras over the course of ten years as the need has arisen. But, I have hung onto those underwear purchased during the "going to Italy in new underwear that no one has ever seen" purge. They have become my favorites. They are like comfortable old friends. I can rely on them to do the job, support me when needed, and even tell me that I look great when I have gained a few pounds.

The Italy panties further remind me of the most magical, romantic time in my life. I looked up at Michelangelo's masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel wearing those very underwear! I roamed the streets of Florence, eating Gelato wearing a lovely pair of Victoria Secret's finest collection. I climbed Mt. Vesuvius wearing a pair of those very special underlings. Thus, I find myself feeling nostalgic and sad. If I let go of the underwear, does this somehow mean that the magic of Italy has somehow passed for me too?

You see, each morning when selecting which pair of underwear I should wear, I go through a mental process. I think about the pants I'm wearing and try to select underwear that aren't going to show a terrible panty line. However, there are some mornings (sorry Stacy and Clinton) that I select the Italy panties simply because I need a little Italy in my day. All day, my Italy experience is just beneath the surface because I am wearing the panties.

The panties further represent the feeling of freedom and perseverance that took over during the process of ending a relationship and beginning a new one. Somehow, I knew that life would go on because I purchased new underwear. I knew that life would be new and different and better for everyone because no one had ever seen those new underwear before... It was more about letting go of the past and embracing a new, promising future.

Dave and I have been married for nine years now, and the panties are over ten years old. I realize the time has come to let them go. I sat down with Dave on Sunday to break the sad news. He, afterall, knows all about my mental underwear life, and I didn't want him to think I was leaving him. He just kind of nodded in his way, humoring me...

So today, on Labor Day, nonetheless, I will begin my quest for new panties. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Know that it will be a day of mixed emotions for me. Still, I am willing to forge through with the hope of finding a bright new tomorrow in underwear that can lead me proudly into the future!