"How are you?" This is the question everyone asks with compassion in their voices, sometimes tears in their eyes, and all the while deeply probing into my eyes with their own earnest kind-hearted ocular glands. And, it is sweet. And, I am so grateful. And, I am so humbled. And, it is killing me.
There's nothing to do about the question. It's there. It has to be there. And people aren't asking it just to make small talk. They really care. I don't really want people to stop asking... Well, kind of, I do. Because I don't know what answer to give.
I could give the psychological, academic answer: "Well, A-Hem, I believe I am coping extremely well given the strange series of trauma that has occurred all right in a row in my life. My limbs seem to still be attached, and I am walking around, appearing normal, but might possibly undergo a psychotic break any day now. Be on the look-out!"
Or, I could give the spiritual, airy-fairy answer: "I am great because I know that all is in Divine Order. This is a spiritual process called chemicalization in which lots of things go wrong at once in order for God to make smooth and perfect my way in the quickest earthly time possible. Did you know this world isn't really real, anyway? It is all just a grand design for the growth of my spirit! Isn't that fantastic?" Which, by the way, I really do agree with the spiritual, airy-fairy answer, but it would be hilarious to unleash that on people when they wander up and ask how I am.
However, I have chosen the more casual, walking-down-the-hall-in-passing answer, "I'm hanging in there!" And, I think it speaks to everything that is happening. It's a truthful answer. It tells I am putting one foot in front of the other, but reveals there is obviously "stuff" I am having to deal with. It's just that this answer isn't great when someone is holding both my hands and peering deeply into my oh-so-green irises in an attempt to read them like a crystal ball.
My friend, Amy, called me the other day just to check on me to make sure I'm O.K. There are certain people who get more than a "hanging in there"... Although, some days, that's all they get too, so don't feel left out. She said, "Hey. I was just called because I saw you and you looked... Well, I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you are O.K." And, I would like to say that this was just an example of my good friend noticing something that no one else can sense, but evidently, it's not. Cora approaches me all the time and says, "You O.K.? Let's have a hug." I walk down the hallway and people say, "Smile." (And, this has never been a smart thing to say to me... Even if I'm not in a bad mood, it puts me in a bad mood. Such audacity to think you need to have control over when and where I smile. Get a grip.) I guess the point is, I don't know what my face is doing, but this is the only one I've got. And, I imagine there are moments throughout the day when I can't make it do what I want. I want it to be a mask.... A mask that hides the stress, worry and pain of everything that is happening in life right now, but it can't. And, probably, if it did, people would really freak out anyway.
So, for future reference, I have a Conscious Discipline suggestion of how a casual conversation needs to go:
Person who cares and wants to let me know they are thinking of me and wishing me well: "How are you?"
Me: "Hanging in there."
Person: "Great! I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. You can handle this! You are doing it!"
Me: [insert smile here]
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